A little more personal…

Life. It’s such a strange thing, isn’t it? How one day we just came into this world with no memories of what was before and no knowledge of what will happen after. There are theories, though, but when it all comes down to it, no one really knows. All we know is that we are here for a limited time, and for some, that’s enough.

Life can be beautiful. Yet, it can also be painful. I’ve experienced both. The good and the bad. The happy and the sad. Smiles and frowns. Ups and downs. These days things are mostly good. I have a home, I have a boyfriend, and there are exciting times ahead. The adventure has just begun. Finally, I feel as if my life is actually going somewhere. The future looks brighter than the sun on a summer morning.

Yet, despite all the good things, I worry. The fist of darkness has a tight grip on my heart, allowing me to breathe, but only so much. Because while everything seems to be going better than ever, my mother is getting sicker. The cancer is spreading, and doctors have decided not to perform surgery on her after all. They don’t want to risk it. That’s the reality of the situation.

I wish I had known sooner. Maybe things would’ve been different then. The thing is, you always believe – especially as a child – that your parents are going to be around forever. I know I did. As a child and young teenager, I was too busy dealing with my own pain to see the pain I was causing others. The pain I was causing my mother and young sister when I decided to walk out on them. I regret that. I regret all the times I gave my mother the silent treatment and ignored her because of disagreements.

That’s my biggest regret: having so much time to be with her, and choosing not to. If I had known back then that my mother would get sick at 55, maybe – hopefully – I would’ve done things differently. Made other choices. Thought twice about the things I said and did. But I didn’t, and there’s nothing I can do about it now, than apologize a billion times over.

I’m glad I finally reached out to her last year, right before she got sick. I’m glad I made that choice. I only wish I’d done it sooner.

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